Talking about sudden aggression in Rahul's speeches, one senior Congress leader confirmed that the party removed a small defective part from his brain and now the puppet is ready to take on Narendra Modi and BJP.

"We recently fixed one damaged part and removed another defective one," said Congress General Secretary and spokesperson Digvijay Singh who also mentored Rahul in his early days of politics.

Digvijay Singh told India Satire correspondent that the repairing work was taken after complaints from regional as well as few senior Congress leaders over lacking of aggression and enthusiasm in Rahul's speeches.

"The repairing work was necessary. Now after this repairing work, Rahul has become a perfect PM candidate and would listen exactly perform as we ask him too," said Digvijay Singh.

Talking about the issues which the party leaders fixed, he said "We fixed issues related to secularism by putting some more drama in the floppy of his brain and we removed defective part called wisdom which was still there in his brain, a minor quantity of 2%. Now he is perfect and can give provocative and aggressive speeches and can also take on Modi one on one."

Digvijay Singh in his ending remarks "Finally, what actually matters is that is he ready to become best puppet in our hands. Ha ha ha."

God has decided to contest for 2014 elections, said a circular issued from the heaven. According to the circular, God said he was literally fucked up with what is happening on the earth and particularly in India. He said that widespread corruption, scams, crime and communalism hurts him and wants to build a new society free of all these sins. However, Indian politicians denied him entry claiming that he lacks any juice that would pull the crowd.

"I want to build a peaceful society with no scams, corruption, crime and communal tension and therefore I thought of contesting elections in 2014," said God. According to sources, God is yet to decide which party he wants to join or whether he wants to stay independent.

He said "I am not sure about UPA or NDA or be independent. But I would like support candidates with clean characters."

Both Congress and BJP told India Satire correspondent that they received a request from the God for joining the party.

"I am not sure what kind of developmental agenda God will bring to the table. Rather than criticizing us on communalism he should check what he had done through Congress Party over the years. He himself supported corrupt UPA for 9 years. Now people want change and therefore we are pushing for Modiji," said BJP President Rajnath Singh.

Congress General Secretary, Digvijay Singh said "I am doubtful that God has any secular credentials. I think he wants to divide loyal vote bank of Congress party for RSS and therefore he was criticizing us on the lines of corruption. I can only say there is only one Godess and she is in Congress party and if she gives him a secular certificate then only we will review his application."

Reacting to Economic Times and AC Nielsen's voter survey, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi finally decided to marry once and for all. The step is considered as a first move to outpace Narendra Modi in the elections.

"I am happy that Rahul has taken this decision. We are going to make a formal announcement in next few days that Rahul is seeking for good looking girl with age no barrier," said Congress General Secretary and Rahul's unofficial mentor Digvijay Singh.

According to sources at 10 Janpath, Rahul Gandhi hurriedly decided to announce his marriage and fix selection of bride and marriage date post 2014 elections to attract large women voters in the country.

"Rahul told us that age is no criteria. He is willing to marry from 18 years old to 99 years old girl. He is willing to go beyond 99 years old if the bride is good looking, smart and good cook," said Digvijay Singh "It will attract 50% women voters towards Congress party and outpace Modi's campaign."

The sources confirmed that such move would immediately attract 50% women voters, mummies, aunties and other ladies to vote to Congress. The sources also said that Rahul is ready for marriage has increased excitement amongst nannies, grannies, mummies, aunties and girls.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi's daughter and Vice President Rahul Gandhi's sister, charismatic Priyanka Gandhi made her first public appearance when whole India was talking about her role in 2014 elections. Party recently confirmed that she would attend only two election rallies of her brother and mother.

"I can say putting my right palm on my left heart that sexy and gorgeous people never enter into politics. Only some idiot, dumbasses get into this crap, I am not that kind and therefore don't want to get into all this," said Priyanka Gandhi.

When India Satire journalist asked her that her brother and mother are into politics, she said "Oh really! I was not aware about that."

Much touted by left parties, unofficial Third Front finally announced its route to 2014 elections.

"We are going to field at least 5 Prime Ministers in 2014 elections and if situation remains favourable India will get 5-10 Prime Ministers after elections," said CPM leader Sitaram Yechuri.

Left parties confirmed that they don't want to take any chances in terms of failure of third front due to internal rivalry among party heads.

"We told Jayalalithaa and M Karunanidhi that you both can become partial Prime Ministers of South, Mayawati and Mulayam Singh Yadav will become partial Prime Ministers of North, Naveen Patnaik along with Nitish Kumar will become partial PM of Eastern region while we are looking out for reasonable regional candidate in western region. So they all can collect taxes and money from people of their respective regions," said Yechury "And I will become Prime Minister of India."

According to draft memorandum of understanding that each and every regional party will have to sign said that if PM aspirants go more than 10 then the third front will announce PM for every state.

Yechury said "We will also provide mobility option to every Prime Ministers. So if Mulayam Singh Yadav or Mayawati wants lead Western states like Maharashtra they can use our Equal Right to Lead option and change the region/state every year."

After understanding how common man of India is allergic about tainted MPs, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi learned few more facts about him.

"Aam aadmi travels by auto, taxi bus and train. He never uses car and airplane frequently," said Rahul Gandhi reading a book that gives detailed information about India's common man.

In a major attack on Narendra Modi, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi said that Modi should stop appeasing Muslims and being anti-Hindu after Modi's remarks that country needs toilets than temples. Gandhi scion told India to eliminate 'developmental elements' from the country and promote widespread poverty and hunger.

"I will tell him (Modi) only one thing and that 'shut up' and stop this nonsense of being an anti-Hindu person. By showing that you prefer toilets to temples you are playing Muslim appeasement card. Till the time I have life and I am Gandhi I will protect all Hindus in India against all these secular people. I request you all voters to stop voting these anti Hindu people and eliminate 'developmental elements' from the country," said Rahul Gandhi in a scathing remark on Modi's statement yesterday.

Addressing 7,000 students in New Delhi, Narendra Modi yesterday said, "I say build toilets before you build temples."

He said "Congress Party believes that if everybody is poor then everybody would be happy. So elements that spread developmental politics should be removed from the roots and take the country to equality."  

A web survey conducted by AC Nielsen reveals that 90% Indian voters want right to skip voting. The survey was conducted just after Supreme Court verdict on giving right to citizens to reject all candidates. The voters said that it would be better if Supreme Court give the liberty to skip the voting on voting day.

"That is fine if we have right to reject all candidates, but do we have right to skip voting on the voting day so that we can go for picnic or party," asked Vicky Oberoi, a technocrat in Mumbai.

AC Nielsen said that it sent a questionnaire to 75348 highly qualified and independent thinking people with great professional achievements. 90% of them confirmed that they require using the holiday that they get on voting day optimally. So that rather than making some cosmetic surgery on the Indian democracy they want to choose right to skip voting altogether.

"I like the day when we have to vote. I sleep late that day, watch movie and a good lunch in decent restaurant and then beautiful early sleep. Who will go and join the long queue for voting? Yes this is unofficial and illegal but I request Supreme Court to please give us right to skip voting and allow us to choose not to be part of choosing or not choosing some stupid politician" said Sachin Verma, an IT professional in Delhi. 

A panel spearheaded by well known intellectual and economist, Sanjay Jha is day and night working on finding ways to prove Rahul Gandhi's caliber and his immense need to India. The panel has already introduced media notes like Rahul Gandhi blasted on lazy Congress politicians or asked political leaders to speak in tandem with party manifesto.

"We are constantly working on the media notes that will show how Rahul Gandhi is changing the entire canvas of Congress Party and India," said Sanjay Jha, head of the panel in different planetary accent.

Sanjay Jha told India Satire correspondent that Congress President Sonia Gandhi has recruited the task force under his leadership so that people who don't know what is happening in the party and how Rahul is leading would get a gist. He also said that it would be difficult for Rahul to do all these things but it always make sense to at least give idea to voters that what he can do.

"Our sense is that Rahul can do all these things such as he can discipline stupid Congress political leaders. He can ask them to keep their mouth shut or he can tell them to work in line with party or go. In our view, ideally Rahul can easily make different strategies against his archrival Narendra Modi like telling Congress leaders to don't pay him much attention or attack on him in Gujarat whenever he is on rally in different states. We also consider points like Rahul is so much visionary that he can suggest India's Prime Minister various new ways of reducing poverty and bringing equality. We also think that as a best leader to the country, Rahul can be stricter to his allies such as Sharad Pawar's Nationalist Congress Party by saying Congress can wipe it out from Maharashtra. So after considering all these points we either put words in his mouth or directly provide them to media," said Sanjay Jha.

Sanjay Jha also told India Satire correspondent that apart from finding out the ways to show Rahul's caliber the panel is also working out the ideas that will prove how Rahul Gandhi is for India.

BJP will bring African Giraffes and Zebras along with Narendra Modi to entertain people in Bangalore rally, said a senior leader of the party. The leader told India Satire correspondent that the party is very serious about its election campaigning and would not take any chances like solely put burden on Modi to entertain the people.

"We have decided to put Giraffes and Zebras also for campaigning in Bangalore rally along with Narendra Modi. This will ensure a value for money experience to people who would come to watch Narendra Modi's speech after paying 10 rupees. This will also add some spices to our poll campaigning," said the senior leader who is currently planning a good stay for Giraffes and Zebras.

BJP has recently taken vast land in the outskirts of Bangalore to put the animals in air conditioned taints. The leader confirmed that the BJP top brass discussed about many species including monkey, donkey, lions, cheetahs and bears but reached to the consensus on African Giraffes and Zebras after Modi convinced everybody on their importance.

 "Even Advaniji and Sushmaji agreed to the selection, showing that everything is right in the party. Now Rajnathji is in Africa discussing the entire plan with heads of Giraffes and Zebras. Both are negotiating on amount of fodder before reaching to any deal. It would be a great entertaining rally in Bangalore when all three Modiji, Giraffe and Zebra Bhai will entertain people."

Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi took a very important step, just ahead of being officially called as the Prime Ministerial candidate of India. Rahul decided that he will talk sensibly and behave like mature guy, going ahead.

"I will talk like a mature person going forward and no bullshit. My speeches will be sensible and genuinely understandable. My statements will be well researched by myself and they would never create conflicts into brain of any ordinary Indian who takes more than 10 days to understand what I said," said Rahul Gandhi.

Rahul Gandhi is on the verge of being announced as PM candidate for UPA's 3^rd term and therefore in a serious makeover, the Gandhi scion decided to act maturely. According to sources, Rahul Gandhi has stopped reading comics and started watching channels like Discovery, History and National Geographic.

"Initially, it was a bit difficult for him to stop reading comics like Archies and watch Pogo or Nick," said Sanjay Jha, Congress Spokesperson.

Leaders close to Rahul Gandhi said that he has been active these days in understanding political debates and brainstorming sessions on the news channels.

"These days he has been actively watching political debates on the news channels. He has started reading news papers and knowledgeable book from the authors like Chetan Bhagat," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Singh also confirmed that Rahul has joined classes to understand commerce and economics so that whatever he would talk that would make some sense.

"He is also thinking of marriage for getting some broader mind and bigger brain," said Digvijay Singh.

According to sources from Congress Party, President Sonia Gandhi has appointed a team of her most trustworthy associates as a special task force (STF) to discuss on the most ideal puppet in the party to put him on PM's post. The development came amid rising speculations over Congress Party's nomination for PM's post.

"This strategy has worked well in 2004 and 2009 elections as well as last two presidential elections. In both the cases, Madam put puppets on these rolls and the result you can see in the well being of Indian populace," said the source.

The source said that the STF has identified two best dolls out of a list of thousand party leaders in the Congress Party.  

"The task force has worked day and night on the names suggested by workers at ground level and recommendations came from party top brass. They identified two leaders which are best in doing whatever Madamji asks them," said the source. However, he denied giving their names.

He said "I will not be able to give you their names at this juncture as the list is with Madamji. But I can give you a clue. One is current Prime Minister of India and the other one is Congress Vice President. The actual names will be disclosed in next few months."

Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi seeks a serious makeover in his poll strategy, after Narendra Modi is getting more and more attention from media. Gandhi Scion asked his advisors and speech writers to write speeches which are very controversial in their nature.

"Boss, this is depressing yaar, no news paper has covered me for last one month while Modi is everywhere. I talked with my PR agency and it advised me to make few controversial speeches and give very rude interviews with bashing on some communities or some person," said Rahul Gandhi in an exclusive interview with the India Satire correspondent.

After UP elections, hardly any media channel and news paper covered Rahul Gandhi.  According to sources, Rahul realized that media always demand controversies, some time pass material to discuss on prime time programs and headlines for breaking news. However, since last many years Rahul was not able to provide any great headline leading to many channels and news papers stopped covering him.

Rahul Gandhi's PR agency, Tapco's spokesperson confirmed that Rahul needs to change his strategy drastically. Rather than mushi-mushi kind of guy he should come out as a strong man like Robinhood for the sake of secularism.

"Rahul Baba requires a serious make0ver. He has been never considered as a powerful man due to his soft and innocent kid like nature. We want to change this. Baba now should look like angry young man with immense Secular Power to save secularists from communal forces. This requires him to get some media attention and for that we require him to read few controversial speeches," said Tarik Sayyed, spokesperson of Tapco.

Sayyed confirmed that Rahul conveyed the message to his Mummy Sonia Gandhi who gave him go ahead to whatever he wants to do.

"Rahul Baba is in talks with his advisory panel of Digvijay Singh, Ahmed Patel and Manish Tewari to collect data of different controversies affect Indian psyche. He has also asked his close aide and blogger Sanjay Jha to write 'atomic bomb' like speeches," said Sayyed.

India's common man Pappu Pandey finally felt that he was stupid enough to be fooled by politicians. He realised after Narendra Modi's interview and controversies developed out of it.

"First time ever in my life, I realised that I was actually stupid enough to get fooled out of propaganda created by politicians. Earlier I used to think that there may not be necessarily any logic behind politicians in creating nonsensical rhetoric over castes, sub castes, religions, sub religions and regional boundaries. However, now I am feeling that I am actually brainless and all politicians are smart and create this propaganda with some logic behind it," said Pappu Pandey.

Pappu Pandey was referring to Narendra Modi's reference of 'Puppy', used in describing his sadness over 2002 riots.

Pappu said "That was actually Modi's cool idea which I earlier thought as foolishness. I realized it when next day read TOI that RSS is now pushing Narendra Modi as PM candidate and as perfect kid of RSS, BJP is in no denial mood."

Talking exclusively to India Satire, Pappu said that his two minds were in conflict with each other when they heard Modi's statement by thinking that the Modi's interview to Reuters was totally illogical and nonsensical too.

"One of my minds was totally shocked when Modi gave reference of Puppy. I thought this would derail Modi from his PM's claim while my other mind was thinking something else. It thought that there might be some logic behind the statement but still clearly doubting Modi's intention behind the statement. However, finally when I read today's newspaper, the calculation was clear. JD(U) is out of the alliance, Shiv Sena and Akali Dal has no problem with the statement and RSS would give green signal to Modi's PM candidature claim. How fool I was thinking that such statement would derail Modi from PM's race. I have not forgotten Sushil Kumar Shinde's statement that 'public memory is short'," said Pappu Pandey.

India finally seeks an answer from Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh whether he is really interested in sweeping Congress' Delhi Office if Sonia Gandhi tells him to do so. The nation is eagerly waiting his reply, as one of his junior ministers recently said that he can sweep Chattisgarh Congress office.

"I want to know whether Dr. Singh is ready to act as an official sweeper for Sonia Gandhi or not. If a junior minister can clearly express his loyalty and purity why not Manmohan Singh. I want an answer from Dr. Singh whether he is ready to sweep Congress Office floors if Soniaji told him to do so. I also want more precision on his role post 2014 elections if he is ready to expand his role for cleaning the floors if Rahul also asks him to do so," said the nation, asking for more clarity on the good governance and truthfulness from Dr. Singh.

Union Minister of State for Agriculture and Food Processing Charandas Mahant yesterday who has been appointed as the working president of the Chattisgarh State Congress Committee, made it clear in front of journalists that he is willing to sweep Chattisgarh Congress Office floor if ordered by Sonia Gandhi. That raised the doubts about integrity and loyalty of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh who never made it clear that he would also do such thing.

"Nation demands an answer from you, Mr. Prime Minister," said nation's only representative and TV host Arnab Goswami.

He said "Nation even wants to know as a senior leader to the country, are you going to do something more than just sweeping the floors (like cleaning her sandals and Rahul's shoes)?"

Left parties set to introduce new 'Delta Force' that will combat the extreme communalism of NDA and on the other extreme corrupt UPA. This is the answer of the left parties to current trivial situation of Indian politics where the third front would include the extreme enemy of peaceful Maoists, Mamata Banerjee.

"Boss! We don't have a place where we can be fitted. So finally we decided to come together and introduce a delta force," said CPM leader Sitaram Yechury after spitting on the other side of the corner.

The idea of delta force is to fight the anti-social energies like communal parties, corrupt alliances and anti-maoist sentiments. The alliance is ready to induct secularly communal parties like SP, BSP and JD (U) but puts no hope as well.

"As all the states have derecognized us, we don't think that these opportunist leaders would take us. We are so old that no young Indian would vote on our ideologies. But still we want to create something to let us remain in news and therefore we thought to create strong CPIM force," said senior CPI leader A B Bardhan.

Asking what Delta force means, CPM leader Prakash Karat said "That we don't know. We just wanted to give some name for a group in which other parties are not involved. This force will be a medium that we can still remain in news."